Sometimes you just can not know when you are looking someone in the eyes for a very last time. August 1st marked one year to the day that I saw my older brother in person before he died. On the last weekend of July 2010 almost my whole family, and it's a big family, came to see Jessie and I get married here in Ohio; everyone checked in to the same hotel, the Hilton Garden Inn. It was an absolutely amazing time. As the wedding weekend came to closure we all said our farewells to one another, and what stands out most in my mind about that morning, even though this might be a fabrication of my memory, is the intense brightness of that day; I do not remember a single thing I said to anyone, but I swear those sunbeams bounced remarkably off the marble floor of that hotel lobby. "A luminous recollection." I can not help but to wonder, even amongst the excitement of that weekend, if my face lit up even the tiniest bit more than it already was as I laid eyes on my brother and hugged him goodbye. Did our final expressions correctly capture the brotherly affection that compounded over twenty five years of life together? The insignificant instances of today can quickly become tomorrow's treasures. Sometimes you simply don't know when your last time is to look into someone's eyes; my moment was at a Hilton Garden Inn...
"Lying Next To A Pregnant Wife"
I always stay up an hour or two after my wife goes to bed, and have my alone time to do the mindless things that men love to do. So usually by the time I call it a night and crawl in bed she is good and asleep. Now for those who don't know, sleeping with a pregnant woman comes with unique occurrences, for example, the constant getting out of bed to use the restroom, switching positions in order to sleep on their sides, and lastly but not least, snuggling with pregnancy pillows. It certainly is an experience. But amongst all those adjustments there is also something else taking place, the slightest sensation, so delicate, that it could simply be written off as insignificant: this is the awareness of being immersed in pure masculinity. Never have I felt more like a man then when lying next to my pregnant wife. It is true that I wholeheartedly enjoy working out, grilling meat, drinking good beer, and fishing with a buddy, but in my opinion, sharing a single mattress with the two that mean most to me, and knowing they are safe, comfortable, and near by, is worthy of the highest merit of all masculine experiences thus far in my life. Therefore tonight allow me to rest feeling like a true man, so when the morning comes and I find that I have stolen all the covers, and I am cuddling like a little girl with Jessie's pregnancy pillow once again, I will be able to carry on and my head won't hang low for too long...
"Discovering Contentment"
The tedious tasks of a day kidnap too many of my thoughts, and this time summer evening has paid ransom providing a peace of mind. I've been charmed once again, like so many times before, by evening's free fall into simplicity, or is it rather a head on collision with freedom? Few places would I rather be than the modest nook of contentment I have stumbled upon. This porch on which I sit is my Atlantis. It stands true that even after the tiniest sprinkle on the fields of simplicity, lo' and behold, fruits of contentment often grow in bountiful measures. I am reminded that the true beauty of contentment is that its treasure is designed to be discovered over and over again, and usually it hides in the most simplistic places, such as on a porch while staring out at the neighborhood...
The Jeep Ride
One week at the beginning of the summer. Jessie and I had a Friday off work together, and for several days we had been planning to take her sister's jeep to Cleveland for the afternoon. We were excited because the jeep had the top and doors off so we would be able to fully enjoy the summer day. The hopeful journeyers!
When Friday finally showed we found it to be much more windy than expected, but naively we pushed on with our plan. Cleveland is a 45 mile drive north on the highway, and shortly after leaving we realized that between the doors being off, wind rushing through, and chaotic traffic we were about to rip one another's heads off. On top of that we were completely lost. Both of us had that "I'll push you out the jeep while it's moving" look in our eyes. A delight less day in deed.
Now it has only been a month since that incident, and even so, already every time we quote the one-liners from that afternoon we laugh until sometimes our sides hurt. "Our highway catastrophe" has become another commonality embedded into our marriage. A quirky experience now linked to laughter. Interesting it is, the subtle blending of heated argument into a humorous tale.
Often there is companionship between outlook and time. When the days pass a perspective is allowed to unravel and stretch out like the cramped passenger of a jeep ride. Just as the hours always settle into the broader day so it seems to be with the settling of perspective. It is then that a point of view can stand upright and correct. The jeep ride was miserable that particular day, but for the rest of lives that event will be perceived as a funny story to us. Hopeful journeyers we once were, and now hopeful journeyers we are once again...
Good Bye, Hello
Tomorrow morning Jessie and I found out if we are expecting a baby boy or a girl. The anticipation has been fun to share together, and I must admit that today I am like a child the night before Christmas. "It's going to be a boy! Wait, no its going to be a girl I can feel it! Now if its a boy he's probably going to be amazing at sports. If it's a girl though she is going to have me wrapped around her finger." In either case, I am beyond excited to be a father.
The Moments After Yard Work
At times, there is something very satisfying to be found in the moments right after working in the yard. I accept gratefully the small role of working my landscape. "The overseer of my lot!" Seeds of inspiration seem to plant themselves within me and sprout into a sort of abstract desire. A desire to live this life true and fully. Yes fully it must be done, so that when my days have withered I can be left with moments such as these. Moments in which satisfaction might be discovered as I recall my life and work. I'll be completely fine if the final moments of my life are in any way similar to the moments that a man experiences right after cutting the grass and working in the yard.
Riding a Unicycle
The other day Jessie's dad and I got to talking about some boomerangs he has had for a long time, and eventually we bunny trailed the conversation to the fact that he had a unicycle sitting in the garage. Apparently the daughters bought it for him one year on his birthday. So obviously, being men, we then went to the garage so that we could stare at it for a while.
Ed went on to say that it was way more difficult to learn then anyone would ever expect, and if I broke a bone attempting to ride he would feel awful. He explained that acquiring the balance on a unicycle takes much patience. In fact, there is a pole that he held on to for two weeks in order to master standing on his own so that he could begin pedaling around. I brought the unicycle back to our house to learn how to ride.
Ed went on to say that it was way more difficult to learn then anyone would ever expect, and if I broke a bone attempting to ride he would feel awful. He explained that acquiring the balance on a unicycle takes much patience. In fact, there is a pole that he held on to for two weeks in order to master standing on his own so that he could begin pedaling around. I brought the unicycle back to our house to learn how to ride.
So now the bike has become a symbol to me of the importance for balance. I admit that often times I feel so unsteady with all that is going on in my life. As if my equilibrium for things has broken down like a faulty car on a busy highway. I juggle a marriage, school, work, my passions, and soon to be fatherhood. The role conflict can be tough, but as a man I find that pole to hold on to so that I can master standing on my own. Any great unicyclist makes riding look easy, and it all stems from the foundation of balance. So sometimes learning steadiness is that very first step to ever perfecting something...
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